It’s a trend on Facebook to look up what the #1 song was at the time of your birth and then share it with your “Facebook friends.” I know this because my husband told me. I don’t do Facebook. My husband has a Phd. He teaches graduate students arcane subjects like music theory. He’s a freakin’ Guggenheim Scholar. I once caught him gathering imaginary pumpkins online because a facebook friend double-kooky dared him or some crap. I will never let him live that down.
I’m not on Facebook because I don’t like having my picture taken, let alone sharing particularly bad photos of myself with the masses. Also, I have a life.
So, apparently, people on facebook go on and on about the uncoolness, i.e. hilarity, of their given “birth song.” Well, duh. Nothing 20 to 30 years old has come back into everyday fashion yet and The Captain and Tennille never will. (Sorry, “Muskrat Lovers.”)
My overeducated husband was waxing on about the lameness of his birth song and then that of his friend from sleep away camp. It made me just about nod off over dinner. Then the crazy bastard was watching Mitt Romney “bad lip reading” on his laptop in bed when I was ready to go to sleep. I did not sign on for this.
But husbands are so cute at this age, he kind of inspired me. I’ve hit on a highly scientific test to determine if one’s birth song holds any meaning. Though maybe this is like when a psychic reads your horoscope and tells you that you need to put more air in your tires and you think, “Wow, that’s amazing.” But then you realize that it’s really just good car maintenance advice. (And before you shell out $50 for a reading, bear in mind, everyone was thinking about one of their grandmothers last week and everyone’s planets are always aligning with some damn thing in outer space.)
Let us, fellow travelers, take a look at the birth songs of the current spate of American Presidential candidates. I am not making this up. And I did not look any songs up until the moment I committed this to paper, here goes:
Barack Obama: “Tossin’ and Turnin’” by Bobby Lewis. This is still a fun dance song but no doubt Obama has had more than his share of sleepless nights.
Willard Mitt Romney: Ted Weems and Orchestra’s “Heartaches.” And I quote, “My loving you meant only heartaches.
Your kiss was such a sacred thing to me.
I can’t believe it’s just a burning memory.” Pretty weemsly.
Maybe it sounds better when you’re wearing magic Mormon underwear.
Newt Gingrich: Song Spinners’ “Comin’ In on a Wing and a Prayer.” This certainly describes Gingrich’s campaign, if he makes it any further.
Michelle Bachman (I know she’s out of the race. I also know that you’re curious about this one since you’ve read this far.): “The Poor People of Paris” by Les Baxter. Ah, yes, “poor people.” I’ve heard of them. Perhaps they’re poor because inoculations made them stupid?
John Huntsman: Who cares?
Rick Santorum: The Buzzcocks’ “Homosapien.” Okay, I made this one up.
Ron Paul: I couldn’t find this song listed on the Internet. I had to pull up an image on microfiche of a wax cylinder on which Thomas Edison describes a woodcut alluding to the song “Ah! Sweet Mystery of Life” from the operetta Naughty Marietta, recorded by Jeanette MacDonald and Nelson Eddy on Pony Express Records. Back then hit songs were tracked by sheet music sales.
This proves a point I’ve been making about Paul’s candidacy: HE’S FREAKIN’ OLD. I’m not saying he’s not mentally fit—though a new study demonstrates that mental capacity begins to significantly diminish in the 40s. Where was I? Where am I? Oh yeah, Ron Paul will be 77 come November. Many people thought John McCain was too old to run back when he was SEVENTY.
I’m just sayin’, serving as leader of the free world is a highly stressful occupation. Has Paul had a comprehensive physical recently? Does he have a pulse? Do his many young supporters know how uncool his birth song is? Omg, lol, it could totally F him up! (: