June, the time for weddings and June brides, fancy wedding gifts and bachelor parties. There’s always a high focus on the bride and the wedding, so I thought I’d focus on the groom. Here’s a few dos and don’ts for the grooms.
If you rent a ferry for your bachelor party, do not do a bare beam group mooning of all the people on the beaches around the island; this is a classy place with classy people who turn away at such juvenile nonsense. That said, if you’ve ever been driving behind a person with caulk paint on there car you know that human curiosity forces us to nearly end up in a wreck trying to read whatever profound wisdom was so important as to scribble it across the back windshield, I suggest you Sharpie your bare bottoms with just such a profound announcement of love and have all of Sunset Beach wading out and squinting to read your “Dick & Jane 4eva.”
Shelter Island is the only place where you are allowed to spend more on your boat than her ring. However, if you don’t have a boat, then her ring better cost more than your car.
If she’s planning a beach wedding, don’t rent a tux or wear expensive shoes. You already know your relatives are going to drink too much and everyone is eventually going to end up in the water. If that happens, don’t let anyone film it and put it on the Internet. What happens on the Island, stays on the Island.
Keep Valium handy at the reception. There are always wedding crashers on the Island. When your future mother-in-law realizes that the strays are neither friends of the bride or groom you can slip the Valium in her wine so she doesn’t go nuts when she realizes she’s feeding the strays.
Yes, you have to dance at your wedding. Yes, you look like a fool, everyone is counting on that for a good laugh. If you dance poorly enough, you’ll never be asked to dance again. Trade five minutes of looking like a dog trying to walk on it’s hind legs for a lifetime free from ever dancing in public again.
Last but not least, at the end of your reception, when you have the people who just won’t leave or your time is up for your rented venue, there is one way to get them out without any yelling over them or being a bummer. Get out a boom box, carry it up your shoulder and play conga music, you are now the leader of the conga line to the Dory, by way of the Chequit. No stragglers, no DUIs and (hardly) any dancing involved. [/expand]
