It’s been one very crazy year when it comes to Hamptons police news. Especially when you think about how many times Old Man McGumbus was arrested on Shelter Island this year. Hopefully he will stay out of trouble in 2012.
Below are our twelve favorite police incidents that took place in the Hamptons during the year of 2011.
East Hampton Town Police are on the hunt for a man who allegedly ran from the basement of a house with a bag holding women’s underwear. A friend of the homeowner saw him and began to fight with him, but he got away. The two of them stood head to head like boxers, but the confrontation was brief, which ended up being more comfortable for everybody when you think about it.
Two men got into a fight at a bar while engaging in a slap fighting contest in Hampton Bays. One man punched the other man in the face. He lost the slap fighting contest, but won the punching in the face fighting contest.
A very large dead turtle was found on the beach in East Hampton Village. Police were called and the Riverhead Marine Foundation was called to remove the turtle from the beach and to give it a proper burial. We will miss you Raphael, you were one of my favorites, kind of a jerk, but still very cool. Cowabunga.
Old Man McGumbus, 103 and former World War II battle strategist, was arrested last week for firing his legally owned M-16 Assault Rifle at three deer. McGumbus was approached after he was seen dragging three dead deer on the side of the road using ropes that were attached around the legs of the deer. When officers asked McGumbus what he was doing he responded, “WHAT? A MAN CAN’T GO DEER HUNTING ANYMORE?! THIS IS AMERICA! THIS IS GOD DAMN AMERICA. IT’S IN THE DAMN CONSTITUTION THAT I CAN GO DEER HUNTING WITH MY OWN RIFLE YOU COMMUNIST!” McGumbus was given a ticket for illegal hunting. He’s expected to fight the ticket in court.
Ugly Bike Theft
A grey and orange bike was stolen outside of a restaurant in Amagansett last week. Grey and orange? That thief did you a favor!
Electronic equipment was reportedly stolen off of a fishing boat in Montauk. Here are five more reasons why fishing is better than sex.1. Our fishing partner will never say, “Not again! We just fished last week—is fishing all you ever think about?” 2. Nobody expects you to fish with the same partner for the rest of your life. 3. There are no fishing-transmitted diseases. 4. When you see a really good fishing person, you don’t have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you fishing together. 5. It’s perfectly respectable to fish with a total stranger.
A gray Vespa was stolen from a garage in East Hampton. The keys of the Vespa were in the ignition. The Vespa was worth $8,000. Police are looking for a man wearing sunglasses, a scarf, smoking a cigarette, and saying “Ciao” all the time.
A man scratched his brand new Porsche 911 while making a left hand turn onto David White’s Lane in Southampton. The man, not familiar with how to use a stick shift, slightly lost control of the car and grazed the side of a mail box. Oh you rich people and your inability to use stick shifts. It’s so adorable.
Old Man McGumbus, 102 and former World War II political assassin, asked if he could share a presentation of “extreme importance” at the local town meeting last week. With much of Shelter Island town in attendance, including officials, McGumbus began to do a presentation entitled, “How To Spot Terrorists on Shelter Island.” The presentation, which included photographs, identified people that McGumbus believes to be threats to America, and included images of extremely skinny young men drinking coffee and wearing skinny jeans, beanie hats and tight band t-shirts. “My fellow Shelter Islanders,” McGumbus said, “These hippies are terrorists against our great island society, and they must be stopped! I demand that all locals rise up against them, and rid our island of these know it alls! And we should begin by shutting down the Shelter Island Coffee Shop and Bookstore! I mean, did you see these damn Emmy awards? DID YOU SEE THEM! THIS IS NOT THE AMERICA THAT I KNOW!”
It was at this point Charlie Garcia, owner of the Shelter Island Coffee Shop and Bookstore, stood up in anger, and demanded that McGumbus leave the podium. “YOU DAMN HIPPIE!!!” McGumbus yelled, and he tacked Garcia to the ground and began karate chopping him the neck. “I LEARNED THIS TECHNIQUE IN OSAKA! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR THIS GREAT NATION!” As the karate chops continued. Garcia, a very thin, hipster type of looking man, or terrorist if you agree with McGumbus, started to scream with a very high pitch. McGumbus was then subdued by librarian Denise Pickleswitch.
A man in Montauk was caught with an unlawful amount of marijuana on his person after police observed him in his car and could smell the smoke of marijuana coming out of the window while he was parked at the beach. A man sitting in his car at the beach in the middle of the wintertime in Montauk was smoking marijuana? Shocking!!! In other news, the sky is blue.
It turns out that a Molotov Cocktail that was lit outside of a Southampton official’s home did not contain any explosives. It still scared the crap out of the official and the few people that heard about the story.
Shelter Island Assault Rifle, Grenade and Rocket Launcher Festival
In an effort to increase tourism during the off- season on Shelter Island, Old Man McGumbus, 102 and former World War II machine gunner, has caused a lot of controversy with his proposed “Shelter Island Assault Rifle, Grenade and Rocket Launcher Festival.” McGumbus proposed the idea at a town meeting last week, and was backed by his group, the Shelter Island Assault Rifles Club. “We could really draw a lot of tourists to the area, the good kind of tourists, if we held a gun festival, it would be completely safe and it would also be an excellent thing for families to do together.” It was at this point that Edie Burnstein, a retired dentist, became so angry at the proposal that she threw her shoe at Old Man McGumbus, hitting him right in the eye, with remarkable precision. Old Man McGumbus then drew his side arm, a 9-millimeter standard-issue army pistol, and pointed it at Edie, but then became dizzy from being hit in the face and collapsed off of the podium. McGumbus was subsequently arrested. “I have every right to return fire!!! THIS IS AMERICA!!!” McGumbus was quoted saying while receiving medical attention. The vote for the Shelter Island Gun Festival has been postponed since the incident.