Hamptons Police Blotter, June 2, 2011

Injured Seal
An injured seal was located at a beach in East Hampton. The seal was taken to the Riverhead Foundation For Marine Life. The seal was quoted saying, “You know, I can’t believe that I hurt myself just before Memorial Day Weekend, I’ve been waiting to surf this beach all year!”

Quiogue Porn
A homeless man has been arrested after he broke into a home in Quiogue, squatted there, and began to order porn on television. I have no real joke for this other than this actually happened. Oh wait, I just thought of one, no I’ll hold back, it’s too DIRTY. ZINGGGG!!!!

Call The Police!!!
A man in Montauk called police to tell them that his neighbor had a goat in his backyard. THE NERVE OF THAT NEIGHBOR! Well, it turns out that having a goat in your backyard is perfectly legal. Police explained that to the man and said, “Do you still feel maaaaaaaadddd?” To which the man replied, “Naaaaaaahhhhhhh.”

Shelter Island
Old Man McGumbus 98, and former World War II “Nazi Invasion Lookout” stationed in Montauk, is planning on celebrating his 99th birthday on Shelter Island with a bang, literally. McGumbus was recently arrested after he was caught firing off celebratory fireworks on the roof of his house and firing a six-shooter into the air every time he launched a firework. Police told Old Man McGumbus to get down from the roof and McGumbus agreed to give up the illegal fireworks. McGumbus is inviting everyone in town to celebrate. He was quoted in a recent press release saying, “All are invited to my party except Nazis…and hippies.”

Headless
The body that was found on the beach in Amagansett without a head is currently being investigated. So far, police have determined that the body is that of a small framed male and that there doesn’t appear to be any foul play. The headless body is still very much the talk of the town, but that’s no way to get ahead in life. You’ll never be the head of a major corporation if you just gossip all the time, you need to keep your head about you, okay I’ll stop.

Grand Piano Stolen
A grand piano has been reported stolen from a home in Southampton. The piano has not turned up so far. If anybody hears piano music playing the song, “Kleptomaniac Girlfriend” by Mark Aaron James, check to make sure that the piano player isn’t a thief.