Felt Like Saying Hello??
A man in Amagansett walked into a home with his girlfriend and sort of just decided to hang out. Nothing was taken from the home, and when the owner found them there and realized that he did not know the couple, he called police. The owner of the home did not press charges, but the couple was advised that randomly walking into people’s homes is, well you know, AGAINST THE LAW. The pair is lucky they weren’t shot!
Shelter Island
Speaking of shooting, Old Man McGumbus, 97-year-old former World War II tank mechanic, drew the attention of police after he fired his most recent purchase, a classic Remington 12-Gauge Shotgun with pump action. McGumbus was spotted shooting watermelons at the beach with the new gun. “I was just testing out my new baby cakes,” McGumbus said. “This is America! THIS IS AMERICA GOD DAMN IT!” He yelled when he was told that it was illegal to shoot his shotgun at the beach. McGumbus then fainted due to not getting enough sugar in his system due to his hypoglycemia. Having experience with McGumbus in the past, they revived him with a Snickers bar. McGumbus agreed to leave the beach, but demanded that he speak with the Mayor.
No Walking
In quite possibly the saddest law in the history of the universe, it is no longer legal to walk your dog on the beach. This has been around for a while, and it mainly has to do with the small few who are unable to clean up after their dogs (there is a special place for them in hell for creating a need for this law), and the small few people who do not like dogs on the beach and who most likely will die sad and alone. Speaking of such a person, police were called after a dog-hater saw a couple walking their dog on the beach at an illegal hour. The complainant gave a description of the couple and police told them it was illegal to walk their dog on the beach. The couple apologized and said they weren’t aware of such a law.
Deer
A deer attempted to smash into a car in East Hampton. The deer decided that it was going to jump out in front of the car to disable it, and then he was going to run off and talk about it with all of his buddies. He died instead.
Bow Missing
A Montauk man reported that his hunting bow was stolen from the attic of the bar he owns. The bow has a woodland camouflage pattern and a twin cam re-curve.
You really need to read Montauk: The Bowman by Richard Prince. It is awesome.
—David Lion Rattiner
