Riders this past week: 8,889
Rider miles this past week: 82,413
DOWN IN THE TUBE
Among those seen on the Hamptons Subway late on Monday evening were Marshall Brickman, Alec Baldwin, Joan Didion, Ken Auletta, Ruth Appelhoff, Mickey Straus, Barbara Goldsmith and Nathan Lane all dressed to the nines and looking mighty fine heading east out of the Westhampton Beach station. There was the smell of champagne in the air.
SUBWAY GETS SPRING CLEANING
The Hamptons Subway system will undergo its annual spring-cleaning this week and next. All the work will be done by our “night owl” maintenance shift between 2 a.m. and 6 a.m., when the subway is closed for the night, together with a group of new docents, interns and assistants who’ve applied for jobs here.
The team will polish the subway tracks to a spit shine (the third rail will be off of course), vacuum the tracks and rail beds and, with wire brushes on long poles, scrub down all the subway tunnel walls and ceilings with soap and water. The platforms will get the same treatment. As for the smell of scraped steel and musk we have endured all winter, the tunnels and platforms are to be sprayed with the new “ocean breeze” fragrance from Chanel, diluted down to .05% for the occasion, mixed in barrels by our staff with level 50 suntan lotion. We call it “eau de l’underground.” Voila.
All this will be done in good order, after all parts of the system are checked for any remaining snowdrifts which will, of course, be removed, if found. Summer is coming!
SPURS TO THE BEACH IFFY
Many riders are wondering about the two spurs that were opened last year, the one that took riders from Main Street in Southampton to Cooper’s Beach and the other, which took riders from Main Street East Hampton to Main Beach. Both dead ends, coming out of their tunnels 10 feet up the sand dunes at the back of the beach, were damaged during the winter storms. In East Hampton, the elevator leading up from the beach to the platform was bent sideways and will have to be replaced with a new elevator that goes straight up and down. In Southampton, the tunnel ends were exposed to the air as the dunes retreated during Superstorm Sandy, but will be reburied by machines which lift the sand up and dump it over atop them, being careful not to pour any on the elevator roofs to gum up the works. All work will be completed by May 15.
SUBWAY ANNUAL REPORT ISSUED
With the fiscal year ended, Hampton Subway sent out its annual report last week, nicely bound on good paper with four-color pictures. Since Hamptons Subway is a privately held company, the numbers have not been revealed but off the record and behind the scenes, a special source with access to the report says everything is go and thumbs up. Good to know.
MOTORMAN CARL FRESCO’S 38TH BIRTHDAY
Carl Fresco, who always does things a little differently than everybody else, declined to have his birthday party in the Hamptons Subway building cafeteria as others do. This year, his was held behind the motorman’s cabin in the lead car of his train. He couldn’t come out, of course, but he did open the door briefly to blow out the candles of the cake presented to him by all his friends. This was last Thursday at noon.
COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
We received no message from the Commissioner this week. We don’t know where he is.
Dear Dan Lion Rattiner:
My name is Aesopmouse’ Fable’, Esq. I am a legal professional who specializes in International Tube Law. Currently, I represent a client who globally and throughout the world owns and operates subways and bridges (most notably the Milwaukee Subway, the Cape Cod Subway, the Gravina Island Bridge and the Brooklyn Bridge). My client, Tubes of London, Ltd is a powerful, well-connected multi-national conglomerate interested in acquiring ownership of the Hamptons Subway (hereinafter referred to as the “Hamptons Subway”). Please accept this Letter of Intent as evidence of my client’s desire to earnestly engage in negotiations for the sale of said Hamptons Subway. As part of my client’s due diligence, my client has observed that ridership has been lackluster of recent and believes that the current owners are likely struggling to attract a new breed to their faithful ridership. In fact, our forensic accountants estimate that for the fiscal year ending March 31, 2013, gross revenues will have fallen precipitously from prior years. Furthermore, we take note that said Hamptons Subway is not considering increasing part-time paid motorman positions for the upcoming, soon-to-be-here 2013 busy summer season. Upon acquisition, my client will take the ownership of the said Hamptons Subway public with an Initial Public Offering (hereinafter referred to as “Initial Public Offering”). The funds generated from the Initial Public Offering will be allocated to build several shortlines (you refer to them as “spurs”): more precisely, from the new Super Market to the new ice rink; from the old hospital to the new hospital; and from unspecified various other locations to other unspecified various other locations. Be advised my client has dismissed previous solicitations from the East Hampton IDA (Industrial Development Agency) to collaborate on a mammoth intermodal transload and distribution port facility that would connect truck, air, bus, rail, and ship modes of transporting cargo. However, should my client gain ownership of the heretofore mentioned Hamptons Subway, and successfully connect a shortline to the Port of East Hampton, my client would take advantage of the package of attractive tax breaks offered by the East Hampton IDA. Certainly a capital intensive venture of such magnitude will bring economic relief to the region of which I speak. My client is prepared to make a cash offer and is more than willing to tender unmarked tens and twenties at closing. However, should the seller prefer Mastercard, VISA, DiscoverCard or American Express, my client will not have a problem. Once a sale price has been agreed upon, my client will be ready, willing and able to proceed to settlement forthwith. For undisclosable reasons, settlement must occur on April 1, 2013. Please advise if the private owners of the Hamptons Subway are represented by legal counsel. Your kind reply at your earliest convenience will be most appreciated. All current employees will keep their positions. However, though my client cannot assure Mr. McGumbus a full-time salaried position, my client is willing to offer him a per diem honorarium seat on the board. Finally, we ask you to keep our intentions and negotiations confidential and, if at all possible, out of the headlines. Once the deal has been inked, we will be glad to host a joint press conference announcing the sale. We will entertain select written questions submitted in advance from the press at the appropriate time. In your reply to this letter, please state your asking price in $US. I will convey your price to my client who will respond promptly. Thank you for your attention to this matter. Wishing you a splendid day, I remain…
Very truly yours,
Aesopmouse’ Fable’, Esq.
Dear Dan Lion Rattiner,
An assistant to my secretary’s secretary has brought to my attention that I neglected to comment on Commissioner Aspinall’s future with my client’s company once my client acquires ownership of the Hamptons Subway. At this writing (and of course this all subject to board approval), it appears that the position of “Commissioner” will be eliminated. However, my client invites Commissioner Aspinall to submit his recipe’ portfolio for the illustrious position of Sous Chef, as my client fully intends to add elegant dining cars complete with affordable wine service to the Hamptons Subway fleet. In recognition for Mr. Aspinall’s long years of service and leadership to Hamptons Subway, he will be given top consideration. If Sous Chef is not palatable to Mr. Aspinall, my client hopes that Mr. Aspinall will consider a Sr. Attendant position in our pet-friendly car. As you can gather, dining cars and pet-friendly cars are truly the wave of the future as more and more residents are expected to abandon their automobiles for the safety, comfort and convenience of traveling by tube.
Sincerely,
Aesopmouse’ Fable’, Esq.
Dan,
No, no, no! I implore you. Please tell the private owners of the Hamptons Subway not to sell. I like it when local businesses are owned by the locals. I have been a Hampy all my life and do not want the local owners of Hampton Subway to sell out. Actually, I have never met the private owners of the Hamptons Subway. Who are they? Where do they live? Whoever and wherever they are…I think they have worked hard to build what they have and I hope they will continue the Hamptons Subway just the way it is. On the other hand, it would be nice to have a dining car that served affordable local wine and a car which could accomodate my precious poodle in the pet-friendly car. Let me think about this some more. Also, I have traced my geneological records back to 1492 and it appears that Old Man McGumbus and I are distantly related. Actually, I have never met Old Man McGumbus. I heard he died. Though sometimes OMM can attract too much attention, I am sure that he has a warm and cuddley side. Nonetheless, I think I shall continue being distantly related. And as far as Commissioner Aspinall…well…I think his leadership at the helm speaks for itself. Actually, I’ve never met Commissioner Aspinall, but I am sure that he has to make incredibly tough decisions on a day-to-day basis. The stress of it all! Hang in there CA. We love you. But on the other hand, maybe he’s a great cook and would love a Sous Chef position. People should follow their passions and maybe CA has always wanted to be a chef of sorts. With subway experience and a pasion for food, perhaps CA will become the first ever CSC (Certified Subway Chef). Let me think about this some more. I googled Aesopmouse’ Fable’ and discovered that he has a French and Greek background. He is well connected for sure! Like OMM and CA, I have never met A’F’ but I am sure that he and his client will bring general prosperity and sustainability to the Hamptons Subway should the private owners of the Hamptons Subway decide to sell. Actually, I have never ridden the Hamptons Subway, but if A’F’ and his client end up buying the Hamptons Subway and add a casino car with live local music, I would like to buy a years worth of subway tokens. By the way, I was once told that subway tokens could be purchased at most any deli, but I have entered nearly every deli near and far and exited empty handed. Where can I buy subway tokens anyway? Actually, to sell or not to sell? I guess I am on the fence (or in this case “the proverbial turnstile”). The Hamptons Subway should not be merely a mode of transportation to a destination, the Hamptons Subway should be a destination. What shall be our fate? Charkleena von Beech.