Riders this past week: 8,327
Rider miles this past week: 91,011
DOWN IN THE TUBE
Liza Minnelli was seen riding the subway out of Westhampton Beach heading for Quiogue. Jason Kidd was bouncing a basketball on the subway between Southampton and Water Mill.
HAMPTONS SUBWAY BEING SOLD?
If you read this newsletter last week, you know that the Hamptons Subway recently received a letter from someone who wants to take over the Hamptons Subway. Our Commissioner, Mr. Aspinall was away last week (we don’t know where) but he’s back now and we gave him that letter, to which he said there’s nothing we can do, we have to wait and see what develops further. The letter doesn’t reveal who the person is. Now, in addition, we have received a further letter from this prospective buyer, which is published here.
Dear Hamptons Subway,
An assistant to my secretary’s secretary has brought to my attention that I neglected to comment on Commissioner Aspinall’s future with my client’s company once my client acquires ownership of the Hamptons Subway. At this writing (of course this is all subject to board approval), it appears that the position of “Commissioner” will be eliminated. However, my client invites Commissioner Aspinall to submit his recipe portfolio for the illustrious position of Sous Chef, as my client fully intends to add elegant dining cars complete with affordable wine service to the Hamptons Subway fleet.
In recognition of Mr. Aspinall’s long years of service and leadership of Hamptons Subway, he will be given top consideration. If Sous Chef is not palatable to Mr. Aspinall, my client hopes that Mr. Aspinall will consider a Senior Attendant position in our pet-friendly car. Dining cars and pet-friendly cars are truly the wave of the future as more residents abandon their automobiles for the safety, comfort and convenience of traveling by tube.
Sincerely,
Aeso Fable, Esq.
Oh dear, in this second letter, Mr. Aspinall is apparently going to be either fired or humiliated or both. I hope he can handle this.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCUS FRIENDLY
Marcus Friendly, our longtime Surveillance Manager, celebrated his 37th birthday in our company cafeteria surrounded by fellow employees who sang “Happy Birthday.” He said he really appreciated it and he has taken the surveillance tape of his party and edited it down to where everybody is singing “Happy Birthday” and posted it on YouTube and Facebook if you want to see and hear yourself sing to him.
COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
I am in receipt of this letter purportedly sent to Hampton Subway informing them of his intention to take over Hamptons Subway. Is this a joke? It is not a joke. I know who these people are because I used to work for the Milwaukee Subway System, which they took over. I can’t tell you their name here. They would sue me. And they do have the so-called goods on me when I did work for Milwaukee. It’s complicated. But I can tell you that after they bought Milwaukee (for a song), they came in and, to bring costs down, completely automated it. You bought tokens from a robot in the token booth, the trains were driven by robot motormen, the flagmen were fired and they computerized the signal flag operation, they computerized the main office there and fired everyone. Finally, there was just one person left, me, and when the robots failed, they fired me and went bankrupt and did a second hostile buyout. Do not trust these people.
Dear Commissioner Aspinall:
Your letter of March 22, 2013, has been forwarded to my client, Tubes of London, Ltd., which hopes to acquire ownership of the Hamptons Subway. Your thoughtful letter was very much appreciated and reviewed and reviewed and reviewed thrice by the Chairman of the Board, Lord Sir Edmund Fitzgerald, VIII (hereinafter referred to as “VIII”). The most gracious VIII has instructed me to reply as follows: “Tubes of London, Ltd. wishes to bring only goodwill to the riders of the Hamptons Subway. Your comments regarding the Milwaukee Subway are indeed accurate to a certain degree. However, your comments may rise to the level of violating Section 3142(a)(ii) NON-DISPARAGEMENT on page 789 of your Severance Agreement. In the aforementioned section you agreed not to disparage the Tubes of London, Ltd. in exchange for a special edition Timex pocket watch engraved with your initials, which, upon mal-functioning within the original 12 month warranty period, was replaced (according to our records) with a watch of similar style and value. Tubes of London, Ltd. (hereinafter referred to as “TUBES”) is prepared to disclose its vision for the “new and improved” Hamptons Subway. It is the vision of TUBES to add a Fine Dining car, a 24/7/365 Casino car, a Karaoke car, and a Just for Kids car which will be equipped with an inflatable trampoline, see-saw, and various other excellent accoutrements to be enjoyed by the young at heart and those less than 36 inches tall. You will note that ridership of the Milwaukee Subway and the Cape Cod Subway (2 subways owned by TUBES) has more than quadrupled after TUBES initiated onboard cooking classes, free first-run feature length films, complimentary beverages and snacks, and uniformed security personnel fore and aft. In this letter, TUBES announces a “world premier First” for all of Tubedom: flat panel TVs will be installed in each car of the Hamptons Subway. To thwart the annoying behavior of compulsive channel surfers, each car will have a non-functioning dummy remote control. Special rides will also be offered (for example: the first Tuesday after each harvest-moon will be “Date Night” complete with half-price cocktails between 4 and 4:15 PM. Lighting will be lowered for a romantic touch of irresistible tube ambiance.) We will also offer New Year’s Eve rides. My good man, have you ever celebrated New Years with fireworks in a Tube? Such razzle-dazzle memories can only be cherished. Well, perhaps we should not digress excessively. Let’s get down to business. TUBES agrees to keep the position of Commissioner and to keep you, Commissioner Aspinall, in that noble position for life at your current salary adjusted annually according to the Consumer Price Index. You drive a hard bargain, Commissioner. But truly your expertise is invaluable and irreplaceable. Furthermore, TUBES agrees to refrain from replacing hardworking flagpersons, motorpersons and miscellaneous office staff with robots. Finally, TUBES offers to purchase the Hamptons Subway for $137,000,000 (One hundred thirty-seven million dollars). May we hear back from you soon?”
Commissioner, on behalf of my client, Tubes of London, Inc., please give our best to Mssrs. McGumpus and Friendly and the entire competent Hamptons Subway staff. Wishing you and yours all the best, I remain…
Arbitragely yours,
Aesopmouse` Fable`, Esq.
(Pronounced “Az op moe say Faab lay)
cc: Dan Lion Rattiner