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When a Jeep Randomly Crashes into a Southampton Storefront, One Can Conclude Summer Drivers are Already Here

May 23, 2013 by David Rattiner

The Hamptons are notorious for having some of the worst drivers on planet earth descend upon it during the summertime. The reason for this is because rich people from Manhattan, who never have any reason to drive a car during the fall, winter or spring, suddenly decide that they are capable of driving tremendously large SUVs or street legal sports cars worth half-a-million dollars, around town with no problems.

I think that yesterday’s head-on crash into Norah’s, right in the middle of Southampton Village, makes this point pretty well. A black Jeep Wrangler Sahara, somehow, at 5:30 p.m. yesterday, rolled over some flower beds in the middle of town and then smashed through the front entrance of the store. Nobody was injured, the driver had no comment.

How in the world do you crash head-on into a store? Like…how does that happen? And it would seem that at least once a year, it happens in the Hamptons. I can remember in 2011 when a car smashed right through the Carvel in Bridgehampton. Who the hell is giving these drivers licenses?

I’m not 100 percent sure yet that the Jeep last night was driven by a citiot, but I’d bet money that it was.

Be careful out there, you Wall Street titans and other masters of the universe, money doesn’t make you an expert behind the wheel.

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The Inner Monologue of a Dog in East Hampton Who Misses Playing Fetch at the Beach

May 22, 2013 by David Rattiner

Woke up this morning and had a nice stretch, dogged down some breakfast and then started to read the news, only to find out that it is now illegal for me to run free on the beach at all hours of the day. No wonder my owner was angry this morning. At first I thought it was the stock market crashing but this week’s issue of DOG‘S LIFE says that for the most part, owners are happy as of late.

No dogs at the beach off leashes 24 hours a day in East Hampton? What is this? Nazi Germany? Here I am following all the damn rules while these freaking deer crap everywhere and nobody says anything!

If only I had been born a deer or a piping plover. They get to run free all they want. I’m a persecuted animal these days. I’m ashamed of myself. I have no purpose in life if I can’t chase that tennis ball at the beach. I have to do it. Do they not understand that? It’s who I am. Without that, I’m nothing. I’m just nothing.

Who am I?

If only my owner was a local authority in East Hampton who can get their tickets dismissed, I’d still be able to chase the hell out of that tennis ball on the beach after six o’clock. If only people understood that, if I just retrieve that tennis ball enough times, every question that humanity has ever asked will be answered. I just need to get it one more time and bring it back and everything can be solved. Don’t they realize that?

If only I could get my hands on some of that leftover bacon that is sitting in the microwave…hmmm…bacon…

Wait!…stop thinking about food for one second Bingo and get your head on straight. Have some priorities.

Look at that tennis ball. Mocking me. He knows that the only places he’ll be thrown is in the back yard. And what kind of a game is that? Where’s the challenge? Where’s the glory?

If only I had been born a seagull. I could go through garbage and take craps on people and they would say, “That’s good luck.” Nobody says that I’m good luck anymore. I’m washed up. I’m a nobody. I might as well just sit here and mope about the house and get fat and fart and growl at the television whenever the Discovery Channel gets turned on.

I never thought I’d ever say this, but I envy the cat. I wish I could hate the water as much as he does. That bastard. Where is he? Anywhere? Yea that’s right…he better be hiding.

AM I JUST SUPPOSED TO DO NOTHING ABOUT THIS RULE? If you prick me, do I not bleed? if you tickle me, does my leg not kick repeatedly?!?! Do these local politicians who made this leash law at the beach at all hours of the day have any sense of what it means to be a dog living in America today? Where are my rights? Why do deer have more damn rights than me? I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I HAVE TO CHASE THAT GOD DAMN BALL AT THE BEACH! Why won’t any of the masters go to the town and SAY SOMETHING!!! COMPLAIN LIKE THE OTHER DOG RACISTS COMPLAIN!

Those Goddamn deer. They crap everywhere, nobody cares. But I take one little crap in public and everybody loses their minds. My master always cleans it up. Most others do. Why can’t they just give tickets to the non crapper picker uppers? Why must we all suffer? Why make me a criminal on four legs?

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Letting Your Dog Chase a Tennis Ball at the Beach Is Now a Criminal Offense in East Hampton at All Hours of the Day

May 21, 2013 by David Rattiner

Society changes, and it largely has to do with new rules that are made that people follow. Last week it was made official, you can no longer let your dog run free at the beach in East Hampton when the beach closes down. This means that if you have a lab and like to throw a tennis ball into the ocean and have him retrieve it and bring it back to you during sunset hours in East Hampton, it’s illegal, and you could be ticketed for it.

The new law is insidious in my opinion, because it’s a classic, “You’re allowed to do—insert activity here—just under certain conditions that will continuously get more and more difficult.”

Essentially, all dogs, even if they are the friendliest, sweetest dogs in the world, are to be leashed at all times within 300 feet of the beach in East Hampton and also on the beach. It does not matter what time of day or night it is anymore. Under no circumstances can a dog run free on the beach in East Hampton. You read that correctly, when the beach is closed and it’s eight o’clock at night, you can’t unleash your dog at the beach and let him/her chase a ball or drive a seagull up into the air or jump into the water. I’m repeating it because it is just so stunningly horrible to me.

This is now completely illegal in East Hampton.

Why is this now illegal? Because dogs on the beach during closed hours bother a small minority of people who complained a lot and got village lawmakers to create the law, and the majority of people are not standing up and saying something about it.

I don’t even live in East Hampton anymore, I live in Southampton, but I do know for a fact that East Hampton used to be a dog-friendly town. Since when did being a dog owner suddenly alienate you from society in East Hampton?

Anyway, I guess everybody in East Hampton will just take it and move on. After all, you’re a nice person (of course you are, you are a dog owner) and you just want to get along with everybody and not be confrontational with the people who are making it their mission in life to, step-by-step, to make it practically illegal to own a dog outside of your home.

Maybe I’m going overboard here, but I really don’t think so. A freaking dog should be allowed to run free at the beach when the beach is closed. This is America, goddamn it.

Leave a comment here or contact your town officials and let your voice be heard if you don’t agree with this new rule. Let people know that you’re upset about it, because this isn’t just unfair to the dog owners, it’s unfair to the dogs.

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How to Spend $600 Million in the Hamptons

May 20, 2013 by David Rattiner

The mysterious Florida Powerball jackpot winner is going to need some help spending all of that money. Luckily, there are some things you can buy in the Hamptons that will at least put a dent in that $600 million payout. For example…

A $75 million home in East Hampton is now for sale near Georgica Beach. The house is listed in East Hampton‘s most prestigious area, with 5.5 acres of land, a boating dock, Georgica Pond frontage and everything else that impresses people.

Not into buying? Well then, how about a rental? For just $500,000 every two weeks, one can rent the infamous “Sandcastle” estate built and owned by Joe Farrell. Last year, Jay-Z shelled out the record amount for two weeks in July, so if you want to rent it year round (26 x $500,000) it will only cost you $13 million. And of course, you can probably get the year round discount.

Still got a few hundred million left gathering interest? Don’t worry, we can keep the spending going. If you’re into golf you could get memberships at Sebonack and The Bridge golf clubs which are rumored to cost $1,000,000 year. That can set you back a little bit.

You can also buy a few airplanes and helicopters to get you around town. Light jets can run you anywhere between $3 million to $8 million and can take five to eight passengers roughly 2,000 miles. Fly that baby into East Hampton airport and then pay off the neighbors who complain about the noise for $1 million per neighbor.

Boats. Out here on the East End, boats are great. I’d go for a nice sailboat since motor boats are bad for the environment. Going green when you’re rich is very in these days. I’ve noticed that a lot of pool houses have solar panels, which, you know, help offset the 20,000,000-square-foot home’s heating bill.

Anyway, Nautor Swan 105 can cost beyond $10 million, not to mention the $1 million a year or so you’ll be spending on the cost of keeping it in pristine condition and keeping a captain and crew fully staffed year round.

And what about autos? Well, there’s always the Bugatti, which is a car that will run you about $2 million. Why not get one for everybody you know?

Of course, you’ve got to give some to charity, and there is no better or more fun way to do it than to donate to charity through the party circuit here in the Hamptons. The Annual Have A Heart Ball and Dan’s Taste of Two Forks are great options, and the giving is limitless, so technically, you can spend it all there.

Note from writer: This was actually a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. Anybody out there have some more ideas?

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I Tried the Beer at Montauk Brewing Co. and it’s Pretty Damn Good

May 19, 2013 by David Rattiner

I was nervous that I wouldn’t like it, because I knew my local bias was going to want to like the beer at Montauk Brewing Co. But let me tell you, when the fresh, ice-cold, crisp beer hit my lips after a fresh pour from the handmade bar across the street from the Montauk Movie, I was completely impressed. Montauk Brewing Co. is the real deal. The beer is really, really, really good. This ain’t no situation where a bunch of locals are getting charity support for a new business that is just “okay.” This is beer that is going to be sought out from fans all over the world in the next coming years.

The bar offers a tasting room, sort of like a winery. The deal is that you aren’t allowed a full pour of beer due to government regulations, so instead, for $8, you try a small pour of each one of their beers and, if you’d like, you can buy a growler of beer and take it home. It’s fun, it’s relaxing and the beer is good.

Owners Vaughn Cutillo, Joe Sullivan and Eric Moss—all locals and under 30—are now committed to the operation full time and are behind the bar, which sits underneath a painted wooden fence in the shape of an American flag.

Any time you are in Montauk and are looking for something to do, this is definitely high on the list of places to stop. It’s easy going and the beer is remarkably ice cold. “We keep the temperature of the beer almost exactly at freezing,” Joe Sullivan told me. “It’s just how we like it.”

My favorite was the Driftwood Ale, a smooth IPA that the owners are selling to restaurants throughout Montauk, including the popular Harvest on Fort Pond.

“You’re really living the dream,” I said to Joe. ”We’re trying, it’s not easy and a lot of work, but that’s the point, I guess,” he replied.

I highly recommend the beer here. Montauk Brewing Co. is now one of the top reasons I’ll be making trips to Montauk more often this summer.

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Bobby Paltauf, 13, Completely Took Over the Montauk Music Festival Last Night

May 18, 2013 by David Rattiner

Bobby Paltauf is a 13-year-old musician who has a stunning amount of talent. Last night at Zum Schneider in Montauk, he had the entire audience sitting in awe. His passion and talent was beyond anything I’ve ever seen at his age. Everybody in Montauk is talking about him and rightfully so. Wow.

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The Atlantic Ocean in the Hamptons Was Epic Yesterday

May 17, 2013 by David Rattiner

Yesterday at dusk, with the sun giving off an absolutely perfect amount light on top of saltwater, I sat in complete in awe by the beauty of the ocean at the beach in Southampton (no I’m not going to say which one because it’s my secret beach).

Not only was I the only one on the beach for as far as I could see, but even being a local guy and having seen the beaches of the Hamptons nearly every day of my life, it still blows my mind how gorgeous it is. Yesterday was a particularly amazing day, and if you are stuck in New York City right now wondering if this weekend is going to be a good weekend to come out East, just have a look at the video below and I think you’ll have your answer.

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If You’re a Hamptons Boat Owner in a Panic to Get it Ready Before Memorial Day, I Feel Your Pain

May 16, 2013 by David Rattiner

I’m in a complete state of panic right now because an absolutely ridiculous amount of work needs to be done on my sailboat before Memorial Day weekend comes around, and I’ve noticed that I’m not the only one at my boatyard in East Hampton.

Everybody down at the marina is hustling. Guys are scraping the bottoms and rigging up sails, they are sanding, they are praying their engines will start and they are furnishing their teak rails. It’s crazy to see how many people wait until the last couple of weeks to get this work done.

So far, in the last week, I sanded the teak and tiller, ripped out the old non-working electrical system and replaced all lights with low-power-drawing LEDs, and I just installed a new rub rail, which was worth the effort but a huge pain. I’m currently in the process of fixing an ugly ding on the bow with some fiberglass, then I have to paint, then sand, then paint, then wash away all the loose grit that is EVERYWHERE. Then stick on the new registration and new lettering, and then finally get the damn thing in the water. To those of you who have the thousands of bucks to pay a professional to do all of this. I envy you.

In the end though, it will be worth it. Here’s a video of what the new finished rub rail looks like. I hate the damage on the bow!

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David Tepper Moved Wall Street Yesterday with One Interview—It’s Going to Be a Good Summer.

May 15, 2013 by David Rattiner

Wall Street legend David Tepper, who owns two large homes in the Hamptons, is somewhere smiling right now.

And he will probably get a lot of drinks bought for him this summer.

Yesterday he was on CNBC for an interview that is being credited for dramatically changing the stock market sentiment toward the upside. He made a compelling case for stocks and said that stocks were going to continue to go higher throughout the year. The CNBC interview is being credited for helping move the entire stock market to a new record high.

No wonder he decided to buy another house this year. Tepper isn’t the only one who’s smiling. With Wall Street doing well, the economy during summertime in the Hamptons does well too. Champagne, anyone?

Check out the interview below.

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Got a Private Helicopter in East Hampton? It Will Probably Cost You a Bit More

May 14, 2013 by David Rattiner

If you like flying your chopper or jet out to East Hampton, it’s going to cost you a little extra this year.

One thing is for certain, flying into the Hamptons is a pricey venture for private residents. The Town of East Hampton is proposing to increase the cost of airport landing fees approximately 30 percent this year, and the proposal is gaining a lot of support.

The increase is in response to the higher cost of operating the airport in East Hampton. Helicopters and private jets will be hit with the biggest increase, some of the landing fees will go as high as $750 to land.

While some are saying that the increase is designed to help pay for the costs of running the airport, others are hoping that the increases will turn people AWAY from flying choppers into the Hamptons. A group of residents near the airport known as the Quiet Skies Coalition, is hugely in favor of increasing fees, with the logic being that the higher the fees go, the more people will get priced out.

The new increases being proposed will be in line with New York City airport landing fees.

In my opinion, these increases will not affect how many people fly into the airport. People who fly choppers and jets have insane money. Some people who fly into the Hamptons take three separate choppers, one for themselves, one for the kids and one for the nanny. It’s that ridiculous.

With that being said, the Quiet Skies Coalition should be careful what they wish for. If they are successful in stopping planes and choppers from flying into the Hamptons, numerous business and people will be affected HUGELY. Everything from the employees that work at the airport, to the employees who work directly for the individuals here in the Hamptons. It would be a disaster for the town to turn the airport into a library. And I’d bet that a lot of the members of the Quiet Skies Coalition work directly or indirectly for people who have this kind of wealth. Everybody seems to understand this, but the QSC just doesn’t want to admit that because they are tired of hearing the roar of planes all summer long, and I get that, but all that can be done about it is deliberately have flights change flight patterns from New York City to East Hampton on a rotating basis, so that the noise is spread around.

We want people who have the means to fly privately here. Let’s not forget that. And furthermore, people who live really close to the airport shouldn’t have moved there in the first place if they didn’t like airport noise. The fact that there is noise near the airport is common sense. Sometimes when I hear complaints about it, it seems as crazy to me as an oceanfront homeowner complaining about the sound of waves crashing.

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